Slap me and call me Sally

I'm talking on my cell phone outside of my room when my suitemate Steve comes running out....

"It's a record! It's a record!"
He waves his hands for me to follow. I follow him into my common room, he continues to the bathroom...
"It's a record, it's a record!"
He continues to a bathroom stall and with his giant grin only getting brighter he points to the toilet bowl......
Sitting in the toilet was a giant, 3 foot long piece of shit.
"Do you believe that Ben? THATS A F-ING RECORD!!!!!"
On that note my weekend began.

A 3 foot long piece of shit. My first reaction was oh my god, thats disgusting. But then it became something that you couldn't turn away from. Have I ever seen a piece of shit that long? How the hell did he create that? What in the name of god did he eat? Then I told myself it was a 3 foot long piece of shit, got really grossed out and ran away.

They might smell but we must love the French
It's always a shock when someone comes home from really far away. It is even more of a shock when they actually come and see you. Matt Cordeau wound up at Quinnipiac on Thursday night. He was home for a fall break from the prestigous High Point University (I never heard of it either, It's in NC). Matt immediatly made himself at home and we argued over politics and religion all night long, god i love the kid.

Matt is the kind of kid who will go to all lengths to remind me I am Jewish.
"Hey Ben, thats 2% off, it's cheap and YOU'RE JEWISH"
"Hey Ben, don't eat that pepperoni pizza, it's not kosher, YOU'RE JEWISH"
"Hey Ben!" "What Matt?" "You're JEWISH!"

If it was a normal person I might get mad, but it's Matt and all you have to say is "wait, let me get this straight, you're french and polish?"

So we got hungry at 3am and drove to the diner. Lets just say that I wasn't exactly all there and the following is how I ordered my chicken Salad Sandwich at the Acropolis Diner
"I'd like chicken Salad on a wrap. Do you have a wrap? I'd like a wrap."
"No, we only have hard rolls."
"No wraps? Ok I'll take a hardroll. Do you have fries? Curly fries? I'd like curly fries."
"We just have regular fries."
"So you don't have frenchfries?.....oh, regular fries. Ok I will take the regular fries and......a side of water"

I asked for a side of water. I promise you i did not take Coke or acid or any other heavy drugs, but it was prolly hard to convince Brownbear and Matt that who just looked at me with disgusted eyes. We went back to campus and entered my room....

FIGHT NIGHT IN 270
My room apparently was the site for a Battle Royale between Steve the Irish fighting machine, Garret the Woodsman, and my laundry hamper. The big loser was my laundry hamper which was disformed badly because apparently Steve got thrown into it, oooo I guess that glass bowl that was broken all over the floor also lost then too. I think Steve lost as well from the stories of him getting punched in the face, back, and ribs...and the stories of Steve banging his head on the wall and laughing like a mad man, and screaming "SEE THIS DOESNT HURT". I think I'm gonna buy Garret one of those giant championship belts (the ones the size of a small car) Kinda wish I saw it in person, I woulda made a bowl of popcorn and rooted my laundry hamper on. "You get dirty socks and underwear thrown at you all year long and you're giving up NOW?! Get back in there!"
So matt decided the next day he would go home and spend time with family. Who does that, common now.

"There is Urine on my floor"
On friday night I made it to my bed at like 2. My roomates followed. I woke up at like 4 to noticE SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT. I look down at the floor, and there is a GIANT puddle. I look over to my roomates bed, he is not there. I look down at my other roomates bed and notice that the roomate who is missing is curled in a ball at the end of the lower bunk. I again look at the floor.....
and look......and look....
It appears my roomate (who will go unnamed for his own protection) got up, felt he needed to go to the bathroom, and felt that going all over the floor would be the best solution (my bathroom is 5 seconds away). The puddle I was looking at was about the size of a small pond. Even worse he urinated all over 2 of my sweatshirts, my favorite jeans, and a large pillow of mine. My suitemates enetered the room after alot of comotion and we put my roomate to bed. Well, not before writing all over him with sharpies. He woke up the next day and did not recall the incident which is a good thing. There were many lessons learned

1. Never leave your clothes on the ground. My parents have told me this for years, but there is no better way to forever stick this in my mind than urinating all over my clothes.
2 Bleech is a life saver
3. Although dogs, cats, gerbils, and deer sometimes urinate on floors, it is never acceptable for humans to....but it does provide a very good laugh!

Best story of the night though is i took all my stuff and pout it out in the hall to be washed the next day...I guess some drunk girls walked down the hall at an ungodly hour and decided to throw all of my crap into trees outside. Yes it sucks to have all your stuff thrown in trees, but not when you know there are some girls waking up with the smell of urine ALL OVER THEIR HANDS the next day.

I went to Boston Saturday night to spend time with the g/f. If the pair of socks mowed into the infield wasn't impressive enough, the prudential building's windows were light in a way to read "GO SOX" Mind boggling. For some reason I could just imagine a guy working late into the night in pitch black just so he wouldn't mess up the phrase. As a yankee fan it killed me to be so close to what I call "hell" (Fenway)

I took the train back, fell asleep on the ride and drooled all over myself. I wonder how the guy sitting next to me felt about that. Hope your weekend was fun and urine/3 foot crap free! HAHA

-Lemiwnks

Take me out to the ball game, or my television

I am proud to say I watched 6 hours of baseball last night. 6 HOURS! And my Yankees still lost. I tell myself I'm tired today because of that baseball game, but I'm prolly tired due to the fact I watched 6 hours of baseball, then played poker, then played a computer game, and then made it in to my bed for like 3 am. But it sounds better to say "I'm tired due to the 6 hour game of baseball."

Americas Past Time

I still can't figure out why my team of British haters can't beat a couple of dirty red socks. I mean seriously now. I've decided the real hero of the Red Sox is not David Ortiz, but the man who meticulously mowes a pair of Socks into the infield (AMAZING, How do they do it?!). Does anyone ever realize how stupid team names are. When the Red Sox first started playing ball who decided that SOCKS would be a great mascot. If that wasn't enough Chicago didn't see through it and named their team after a color of socks as well. DOES ANYONE in major league baseball realize that they have two teams in the league named after colors of SOCKS?! It got me thinking what are the worst professional sports franchise names?

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Ok, Socks are bad, but at least you can strangle someone with them, or put a rock in them and swing them at people. You can even not wash them for like 3 months, that might kill someone....but Devil Rays? I would never want my obituary to read "Man stung and eaten alive by a devil ray"

Washington Redskins/Atlanta Braves/Cleveland Indians
-Highschools across the country have to change their name because Native Americans are freaking out about them not being politically correct. Heck Quinnipiac did it a few years ago (went from Braves to Bobcats). When the Redskins play the Cowboys it always makes me wonder: how do Atlanta, Cleveland and Washington get away with it? Guess we'll never know

New York knickerbockers
-Who was the bright one that thought of this idea?! And I thought socks were bad....it's even sadder I'm a knicks fan

Cleveland Browns
-"Let Brown work for you" Brown is an awful color nevertheless a team name. Has anyone seen the blatantly racist UPS commercial. Where the guy calls all his employees in the office in some sort of UPS packing plant. Then he shouts down to the one black guy in a UPS uniform "you too Joe" (that might not be the name). Apparently according to UPS when the guy says EVERYONE come in here, it excludes the one black guy and he has to go out of his way to make sure the black guy knows it's ok for him to come into the office too. If that's not enough, it immediately cuts to the UPS symbol and says "Let brown work for you". So bad......sooooo bad.

Anyway, that was a little tangent. By the time you read this someone may have one the series (if the Yankees don't I may have to kill myself), so just remember while watching the world series whether its a bird, a sock, a star, or an angry early American that baseball is king. Also if you ever have the opportunity to name a sports franchise you are welcome to use my idea, "The shit throwers". Any mascot ideas?


-Lemiwinks

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEMIWINKS, EAT CAKE TILL YOU EXPLODE

I woke up this morning, got on my computer, went to Lemiwinks, and realized something amazing...one year and one day ago, I made my first Lemiwink post. The post was simple, about how I hated some girl in class who was ditzy. If you told me that a year later, I would still be typing about the random events of my life and the world around me I would have said "Yeah...right, and I have 4 nipples"(this is sarcasm, I don't have 4 nipples) But here I am writing my 33 post on the Lemiwinks web site and what a year it has been

LEMIWINKS YEAR IN REVIEW
-Our president has bombed and flattened not one but two countries (impressive)
-I have somehow managed to survive a whole year of college with no major injuries or destroyed organs (that I know of)
-My room has hosted a variety of events and experiences that I thought no 8 by ten space could ever provide. (that might be an exaggeration)
-I saw Conan Obrien, my proclaimed God, and a half a year later he announced he will be the #1 late night host in the very far future.
-I have fallen in love.....with a man....whose name is John Stewart
-I have watched A Shark hunting tournament, the national scrabble championships, table tennis, and lawn mower racing all thanx to ESPN2
-Doug Funnie has remained the best cartoon ever created
-Lord of the Rings finally ended it's run and I watched all 9 hours of it in a row, realizing only now that on my death bed I might want a couple of those hours back...wait, what am I SAYING?! I take that comment back
-I've realized if you call a pizza a party pizza, it can and in fact will...start a party

All in all the last year has been fun, amazing, fun, crazy, fun, and fun. I started this site in hopes to do a little more writing in my life. I'm happy that a few of you enjoy to hear about my life and adventures. Three cheers to Lemiwinks and the adventures we will have in the future!

HEADLINE
I read the following headline in the New Haven Register and it kinda grossed me out:
"Vaginal Gel Looks Promising in Preventing Aids"

After reading this I've decided that in the newspaper there should be disclaimers before they use the words vaginal gel like "WARNING, men who read this may want to vomit"