Hey Dad, where's mom? Oh, other side of the world?

I come from a family that never ceases to amaze me. Few other family's sing songs of how disgruntled we are at family reunions. Few family's call their dog weiny, weiner, and pissy when it's real name is Chrissy. And few family's get in as many weird and bizarre conversations as ours. That’s why I don't think I should really be surprised by my phone call home today.

Ring Ring
"Hello?"
"Hey dad how are you"
"oh good good"
"I was wondering if you wanted to come down and go out to eat"
"oh that sounds great"
"Can mom come too?"
"oh no..........she's in IRELAND"

IRELAND?!!!!!!! IRELAND?!!!!! What the hell? Not only is my Mom in Ireland, she's been there for a week. Thanks for the call Mom.

I shouldn't be surprised by this stunt by my mom though. The last time she went to Ireland I forgot she had left (due to a lack of a goodbye) and it took me two days to even realize she hadn't beenin my house the last 48 hours. I think it's in my mom's blood. When i was a little boy my mom used to shop with me when i bought clothes. This is when it was ok, and not uncool for your mom to pick out your clothes. So she and I would find something, and then have me go try it on. After i tried on my clothes I would walk out to ask for her expert advice. Not only would she most of the time not be there, on occasion she would actually leave the store to "check something out" near by.
Well mom I hope you are having a great time in Ireland and if and when you come back, feel free to give me a call to tell me how it went.

Sideburns, a hairy home of pain

It's a thursday afternoon and the room is active with life. All the roomates are there. Dave, Jon, me, and Browntown all are chatting like giddy school girls, the sun is out, and I have noticed something about myself that I need to change.....my sideburns have grown extremly long.

In the days when I used to cut my hair, I used to know when I needed a haircut based on the fact my sideburns were longer than normal. Now that I am of college age and decide to cut my hair every few months or so, this doesn't apply. Today I decided though that my sideburns are seeming to grow out of control and given a month or so, I might be able to create ear muffs out of them (actually thats not a bad idea, but will not be needed in my upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic). So I thought of a solution....go find Pete, the German who has a perfectly buzzed head (Pete has actually lived in America for a long time and cannot truly be considered a German, but he is dating one so I think that counts. He also lives in Lake Placid NY and we all know Germans are good at down hill skiing)

I leave the room
Pete is not there so I leave him a note with a picture of my sideburn length
I return to my room.

I return expecting to see my roomates in the same exact position as I left them 2 minutes prior. But nooooo. that would just be too simple. Apparently they all got up at the same exact time and left leaving an empty, vast, open room.
My room key is inside the room.
I AM LOCKED OUT

Damn you long sideburns....not only are they slightly unattractive, but they keep me from my warm, cozy loving home.
Here is an update on what I have learned in the past few weeks:

-I actually got into Toad's last week, so never give up kiddies, even if you fake ID is bad

-No matter who is on Conan Obrien, he is still funny, and my God. (I'll be at his Feb. 27th show)

-The gym is not playground

-Donlon does not like Italians, and believes they are the cause to all our problems.

-Always be worried when you roomate drinks 3 shots of Dubra straight. The following may occur....
he may decide to jump in your closet and sleep there for 5 minutes
he may decide to slap your other roomate across the face.........with a slice of pepperoni pizza
he may bring in hideous girls into the room......and then ignore them, making everyone uncomfterable
he may jump and roll around on the floor, which you haven't cleaned in like two weeks.
he might wake up the next morning and remember that $6 you took from his desk to buy pizza

Alrighty kiddies, I would love to see how your day and week is going:)

-Lemiwinks the class gerbil

I swear, I'm 21! My fake ID says so

Saturday nights on Quinnipiac are very intersting. It seems every saturday, the campus gets up and moves to Toads, a dance club/bar in New Haven. Being someone who was under the age of 21, I picked up the best fake ID that $30 could get me in the beautiful city of Bridgeport and decided to join the party.

I step on the QU party bus....it is full of beautiful hot and sexy Quinnipiac girls, and headed straight for toads. I know this night is gonna be good.......20 mins later the bus stops, 60 people hop out, get out their fake ID's, and walk towards the line to get in. I meet up with friend Bones. "Bones" is not Bones's god given name, but considering I didn't know his real name for about 3 months, that name doesn't really matter. Bones is with his two pretty hot ladies friends from Irma. Everything seems peachy except for one problem. I am not 21, and my ID is crappy.

On a usual night this would not matter, but this being my first time trying to con my way into a club of course everything did not go peachy. The girls I was with had the worst chalked ID's I'd ever seen, and apparently from the way the bouncer was laughing, it may have been the worst he's seen as well. But women have this strange advantage.........they are women. The bouncer lets them go in and me and bones are left, staring at the bouncer thinking "if they got in, we will def get in." I walk up, hand him my ID. He looks at it, still smirking from the horrible ID's he's just looked at and right away I knew it was bad..............."do you have a college ID?" "ummmmmm, no"
"NO"

wait what? Is that it? I'm done? I walk away, confused at what had just taken place. In two LETTERS the bouncer had ruined my night. He ruined Bones' night as well. Me and Bones sat there while being stared at by a line of people who had realized our fate. Our focus shifted from "Hurray Toads" to "I can’t feel my toes" Now the true adventure begins, survivng the cold. I call my roommate Jon, who was already in the club.
Ring Ring
"Hello?!!!!!"
"Hey Jon, it's Ben, I didn't get in"
"WHAT?!!!"
"I didn't get in"
"What?!!!!"
"I didn't get in"
"That sucks!!!!!" Knowing there was nothing more I could say and the music was making it impossible for Jon and I to continue this conversation, I hung up. Me and bones continued on our way, to keep warm.
I called friends I knew were around............I forgot it was a Saturday night and no one answers their phone.........Bones begins to tell me he had just lost feeling of his head.
I finally reach Kat, a friend from Yale. On the verge of holding Bones in a embracing hug to keep warm, Kat arrives We all we go to dinner. We are out of the cold, safe from frost bite, and for some reason me and Bones think it is a smart idea to order milkshakes. I think maybe we just wanted to mock the cold and say "HA HA, you lose cold"
Jon calls us, tells us he has seen enough girls who look like models and are barely wearing clothes, and would LOVE to join us. We meet up and head back to QU.

Things I learned:
-always have a plan B
-wear an extra pair of socks to the club, just in case
-A drunk club Kyle, is a ghetto club Kyle "yo yo yo, that shit is straight"
-When taking a cab back to campus, always pick a cab driver who likes to talk about penis's, sex, and what not to do in bed.........it makes for very very very funny convo's
-On further note, pick a cab driver who starts chanting "Kyle likes Big Dick" to your friend Kyle. Who says during a 20 min cab ride, you can't make life long friends, me and Ali the cab driver are BFF

Alrighty kiddos, hope you had a great Super Bowl, I know Janet Jackson did!

-Lemiwinks, the class gerbil